If you have ever been verbally abused, then you know the sense of confusion and loss of self that can result. Verbal abuse tactics take many forms, but at the root of all tactics is an attempt to control through definition. It is projection meant to tell you what you think and feel and who you are, or rather, to tell you that the abuser thinks they know you better than you know yourself.
Verbal abuse naturally puts you on the defensive. You want to say, “No, I’m not… No, I don’t… That’s not what I said/meant/thought.” While you defend yourself against accusations and mischaracterizations, the abuser’s behavior goes unchallenged.
There is nothing you can do to stop or change someone from abusing you. Still, there are things you can do to emotionally protect yourself, set boundaries, and get distance and clarity from emotional abuse. Here are some ideas:
• Know the Types of Verbal Abuse: According to Patricia Evans at www.verbalabuse.com, the categories include: “withholding, bullying, defaming, defining, trivializing, harassing, diverting, interrogating, accusing, blaming, blocking, countering, lying, berating, taunting, put-downs, abuse disguised as a joke, discounting, threatening, name-calling, yelling and raging.” Sometimes, it’s hard to recognize when you are being verbally abused. It feels confusing and disorienting because what the abuser says about you does not fit your understanding of yourself. So if you are questioning yourself, pay attention and see if any of these categories fit what is happening.
• Avoid Freezing by Changing the Direction of Focus with Questions: Verbal abusers often choose targets who are empathetic, self-reflective, and take responsibility. In other words, they externalize by blaming you, and you internalize by blaming yourself. Imagine this dynamic as arrows that are all pointed toward you. You may find yourself freezing in these moments. To avoid this tendency, ask a question as quickly as possible, particularly if you can point out the abuser’s behavior. This might sound like, “Why would you say that?… Are you trying to tell me what I think?… How are you hoping I’ll react to that?” Of course, if you instinctually feel that doing so would be unsafe and lead to more abuse, do what you think you must keep yourself safe.
• Get Validation: Remind yourself about who you are and what you think/feel/know/want. Talk to anyone you feel safe with about what you are experiencing and ask for their support. If there is no one safe to talk with, see if you can find a safe place to write and store what is being said and done and your truth. One place where you can document any incidents of verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, and financial abuse is an app called VictimsVoice. This app helps you document in a way that can be submitted to a court, does not exist on your device as an app, and has a safe exit feature. https://victimsvoice.app/
• Be Compassionate With Yourself: Let what you say to and about yourself be compassionate. Avoid labeling yourself and reward any signs of your strength and progress that you can. Verbal abuse can erode your trust in your ability to make good decisions and do things competently because, often, your abuser will say that you can’t do things right and make bad decisions. The hidden motive is that you surrender your decision-making power to them. So you need to build back your trust in yourself and read between the lines of what the abuser is saying to understand what they are trying to accomplish by putting you down.
Healing from verbal and other forms of abuse is possible. In addition to support from trusted and affirming friends and family, it helps to work through what happened or is happening with a counselor. If you or someone you know would benefit from therapy to address and recover from the effects of abuse, verbal and otherwise, reach out for a free 15-minute phone consultation. You and your peace of mind are worth it!